One man's rant against the 21st Century....

I'm baaaaaaaaack!!

2011-08-26T21:26:00.002Z

Bollocks to it - been away toooo long and got a whole new load of rants up my sleeve.

Keep watching amigos...

Meatloaf

2007-02-22T08:08:00.000Z

I absolutely loathe Meatloaf.

Not the foodstuff - I'm particularly partial to that as it happens, but the frilly shirted fat lad from Dallas.

Now it's nothing personal against the beefy hanky-waving, over-dramatic balladeer and provider of third rate over produced soft-rock twaddle. It's just that his music sucks big time.

The reason for this? Simple - Bat Out of Hell. A song that sends an almost terminal shiver of loathing down my spine every time I hear it. Let me explain why..

In the late 80's and early 90's I worked in my local pub, which had, as is customary in hostelries the length and breadth of the land, a jukebox.

Now if nobody put any money in this machine, it would "randomly" select tracks to play whilst waiting to relieve punters of their hard earned cash. Invariably this jukebox always chose a Meatloaf track to play and 90% of the time it would be Bat Out of Hell. This may seem like a cunning plan in many ways, as hearing a song that is so long and tedious that you could easily build, decorate and furnish a house during it's length would surely encourage people to pay to hear something less sh*te.

Believe me, if you are in a virtually empty pub for eight hours, repeated playing of this over-pomped bollocks is enough to either turn you into a fully-fledged dribbling mentalist, or cost you a small fortune in playing better songs.

What compounded this further, and thus turned a minor dislike into full hatred, was the fact that when the pub got busy and people put money into the jukebox, guess what was the most popular selection?

You got it - bloody Meatloaf.

Save the Reds!

2007-02-16T15:03:00.000Z

It would appear that Teflon Tony and his feckwit cronies are holding a "Defence Review" (Christ help us all) and one of the subjects under discussion is future funding for the Red Arrows. For any unintiated amongst you, the "Reds" are the RAF's display team and are widely regarded as one of the best (and in my view, THE best) display tems in the world.

For the love of all that is holy, don't allow the idiots that allegedly run this country (into the ground) do anything stupid about one of the great insitutions in Britain.

SIGN HERE TODAY -

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/SaveTheReds/

It would be a travesty and a national disgrace if any funding was withheld.

YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!

If you're not British, any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

PLEASE, PLEASE forward this to everyone you have ever met and also click on the "Digg This Story" button below to get even more people to see this.

Shopping Trollies

2007-02-13T18:36:00.000Z

What is it that makes people, or F*** Wits rather, after they have finished loading their car up with shopping from one of our supermarkets, despite being in some cases a matter of yards from a trolley park, leave their f***ing trolley in the middle of the car park!!!

I have frequently on windy days seen these trolleys rolling down the car park and come to rest against the paintwork of someones pride and joy!!! I find it incredible that people can be so f***ing lazy!! And why oh why don't all supermarkets adopt the £1 rule, like Asda do with their smaller trolley (why not the bigger ones?) whereby you have to return it to a suitable trolley park to get your quid back?

Truly f***ing amazing!!!

Regards, a law abiding supermarket trolley user!!

CliffyPP

Now It's Your Turn!

2007-01-27T19:07:00.000Z

I don't believe that I'm the only person in the world who suffers from gets-annoyed-at-the-slightest-thing syndrome. Surely there are others like me out there in interwebland who are crying out for a forum in which to vent their spleens about whatever it is (however trivial) that really "Boils Their Piss".

Now is the time to stand up and be counted....

To all of you, a simple message: this blog is here to help! All you have to do is rant away to your heart's content by clicking the following email and submit your gripes:

havearant@boilsmypiss.co.uk

The subject doesn't matter, and if your tongue is firmly in your cheek, even better!

This means "you" - all the people who have said they had something to say, now's the time to say it! (You know who you are...)

The best submissions (or possible all of them) will be posted over the coming days/weeks, so GET RANTING!!

Death to Internet Explorer!

2007-01-25T16:17:00.000Z

Do yourselves a favour (and I may be preaching to the converted here) and stop using Internet Explorer.

It's rubbish - especially IE7 - and there is a far better option in Firefox. Firefox is a free (yes, I really did say "free") web browser with better functionality and user options than IE will ever have.

If you use Blogger like me, Firefox has some really cool features like:

Greasemonkey Extension - Allows you to "add in" features/userscripts to your blog like:

Technorati Tag Creator - see here for a good article

Del.icio.us Integration - see here for more tips

Even if you're not a blogger, give it a try. Trust me, it's the future..........

PLUS - Unlike IE, you can keep upgrading even if you have a hooky version of Windows XP. Or so I've been told if you're reading this Bill...

PS - My IT people advise NOT to uninstall Internet Explorer as it might well bugger up everything else Microsoft on your PC - God Bless Uncle Bill...

The Cleverest Thing in the World?

2007-01-24T20:48:00.000Z

The Nevmeister returns..

What is the cleverest thing in the world?

Go on have a guess.....

Give in? Well I'm going to tell you.

Everybody thinks computers are clever, everybody thinks robots are clever, everybody thinks going to the moon is clever, everybody thinks clever people are clever, but, and here's the thing...

No buttons to press, no dials to turn, no levers to slide, You don't even have to plug it in or use batteries. Nothing is as clever as a thermos flask. Just think about it for a moment. You put hot stuff in and it stays hot. You put cold stuff in and it stays cold. HOW DOES IT KNOW ???????????? Now that's clever.

Technorati Tags: Clever, computers, Thermos, Nevmeister, boils my piss

Pizza Cheese

2007-01-23T19:51:00.000Z

Went out for a meal last night to "Sonny's" in Tynemouth (Front St if you are interested) and had a really good quality Italian meal.

Being a bit of a culinary pleb at times, I chose to have a pizza - and very good it was too. Can't remember what it was called, but if you are ever there, it's the one with the meatballs on.

What spurred me on to the blog was the fact that the pizza had the proper cheese on it - Mozzarella.

To Mr Marks and Mr Spencer and many other vendors of ready made foodstuffs worldwide, a message:

Don't put bloody cheddar on your pizzas.

Or any other kind of cheese that's not meant to be there, but especially not cheddar. It does my sodding head in to find a pizza that has been completely bollocksed by having cheddar on it - it's about as authentic as buying a Ferrari and finding it has a Rover engine in it.

It's against the natural order of the culinary world - can you imagine getting cheddar on anything at all in an Italian restaurant? Start p*ssing around with the way things are meant to be, and the next thing you know the world has descended into utter chaos.

There are certain rules in life that must be followed. As Al Murray would put it - If we didn't have rules, where would we be?????

.....FRANCE.

Jade Goody

2007-01-20T16:21:00.000Z

You really do have to ask "What the f*ck has the world come to?" after the events of the last week, events which seem to have totally dominated the media (bunch of w*nkers that they are) on an almost global basis.

It's coming to something when an international diplomatic incident is caused by the comments of someone who has the intellectual dexterity of a toilet brush. Now I'm not condoning racism in any shape or form, but don't you think that this has been taken just a little too far??

For f*ck's sake, it's Jade Goody and "Celebrity" (used in the loosest possible sense) Big Brother. No one in their right mind should be watching this sh*t, let alone allowing it to escalate to the point where all semblance of reality and normality in the world is blown to buggery and back by a populations obsession with idiots, morons and f*ckwits of the first degree.

Call me a cynic, but let's have a look at who profits from all of this:

a) Channel 4 and Endemol, the programme's makers. As the old adage goes, "any publicity is good publicity". they've had their names plastered all over the press and TV and massively "enhanced" their reputations for producing "cutting edge" and "near the knuckle" telly. Which is really just a load of absolute drivel for the cerebrally challenged.

b) Politicians - those who actually brought this up in the House of Commons, ostensibly as an important discussion about racism and the state of the nation etc etc. Face it, they're all a bunch of media whores who only want to get their latest soundbite onto the news in an increasingly vain attempt to justify their existences to the idiots that voted for them, and to give the impression that they give a sh*t in a "we're all caring, sharing, wonderful people" kind of a way.

c) Carphone Warehouse - not only did they save a bucketload of cash by withdrawing their sponsorship deal, but (surprise, surprise) also got a bucketload of press coverage (ie free advertising) by doing so.

Alternatively, let's look at who gets royally shat on out of all this:

a) Jade Goody. Again, I am in now way defending her comments, whether racially motivated or not. You have to feel sorry for the poor cow - she has made a stack of dosh on the back of being stupid in a "you know she'll end up as part of the Darwin Awards" sort of way - money that has been thrust upon her in spades by the manipulative bastards that belong in the gutters of the media and business worlds. Two worlds that are now conspiring to roger her royally by pulling out the red carpet that they have placed under her for so long.

Am I the only one that feels that she's been set up for a fall, the way that all supposed media darlings and "sporting heroes" are, sooner or later?? Executives must be w*nking themselves off with glee as they wring out their final pennies from JG.

What's even more annoying is that I don't even f*cking like Jade Goody! She absolutely epitomises everything that is f*cked up in society today, and the seemingly total control that the media has taken over thinking and behaviour of Britain. A control that stemmed from, and grew after, the canonisation by the press of Diana, which resulted in a mass hysteria and media induced hypnotic "outpouring of grief" over the death of a woman who, when seen in the cold light of day, could easily be described as a media manipulating serial adulteress with pretty severe psychological problems.

Speaking of the press, the Daily Mail came up with this as a front page this week:

If the story was that unimportant whilst far more concerning events were taking place, what the f*ck did you give it your entire front page for, you complete f*ckmuppets?...

We're all doomed. Now I'm just going to sit back and see how many people I've just pissed off with that little lot.....

The Nevmeister Cometh....

2007-01-18T20:18:00.000Z

Hello,

Here's the thing. If something is dismantled why is it not mantled or remantled when put back together. Why is it reassembled?

If someone has an accident, lets say with a lawn mower, and cuts off all their fingers, how do they pick them up?

If I drive at 70mph with my lights on is the light travelling at the speed of light + 70mph?

If all brides are beautiful, where do ugly wives come from?

Goodbye.

Try This..

2007-01-17T23:07:00.000Z

Go to Google and type in "Failure" (including the speech marks) and click on "I'm Feeling Lucky".

Go on, I dare you...........

Someone, somewhere has a sense of humour.

Cling Film

2007-01-17T19:45:00.000Z

It's the devils work, I tell you.

The serrated edge on the box isn't a cutter, its a wavy piece of cardboard that is neither use nor ornament. For tearing off a piece of film no, for being a pain in the arse, yes.

Add to that the fact that the bloody cardboard box it's in is about as rigid as a limp lettuce leaf.

I think I must generate superhero levels of static electricity, as the only thing the sodding stuff clings to is me!

No matter how hard you try it is physically impossible to use the stuff and effectively wrap whatever consumable that you need to keep nice and fresh. All you end up with us an unusable sticky mass of plastic.

Or a clingfilm wrapped hand.

You wouldn't believe what you can find on Google by googling "Clingfilm":

Warning over clingfilm 'condoms' (nice to see the education system working...)

Ulli's Roy Orbison In Clingfilm Website (I kid you not!)

How Can I Recycle Clingfilm? (The mind boggles...)

You can only imagine the stuff that I couldn't show on the blog!!

Pete Doherty - the Response

2007-01-16T20:30:00.001Z

Please forgive me for a momentary bout of seriousness...

This post is for "Anonymous" who kindly commented on my previous post on Doherty which can be found here.

I could have chosen to simply add another comment, but I think this warrants a full post. To quote "anon":

"What the fuck have "keef" "axl" and the "toxic twins" got to do with anything?

Pete is a drug addict. Do you think he smokes crack so he can get some free press from the daily mirror or some other shit newspaper?

you honestly think that?

sad."

Sad?? I'll tell you what's sad - sad is living in a society where drug users fail to be treated as criminals (I think I'm correct that Class A drugs are still illegal??) and the namby pamby element believes that users should be cossetted and given a big hug because they are "victims".

Complete bullsh*t - let's remember that when first faced with drugs, Pete D had a choice to take them or not.

He chose to take them, and continues to take them. What is even worse is that he is a "celeb" and a potential role model for countless people. In a world where celebrity is king, and where the public are becoming even more impressionable by the media, this is an even more worrying situation.

Is his drug abuse a ploy to get media attention? Well, he's never shown any inclination to avoid the press to date. I suppose he thought that spraying a TV crew with blood from a syringe was a bit of a jolly jape then?? Or that being photographed sticking a hyperdermic into the arm of an unconscious girl was an absolute hoot??

At least Keef and co didn't have influence over a generation who had access to drugs from what seems to be every street corner at a price where young teenagers can afford to get regularly smacked out of their heads.

Many of the original school of drug taking rockers have been clean for years, and others have lived (or in many cases not) to regret their actions.

Maybe I am sad, maybe I don't actually give a rat's arse but I have my opinion and you have yours. Just don't try and make excuses for the actions of people who should know better or turn up on my blogstep with a half-arsed attempt at an argument.

Seriousness over.

Normal service will be resumed shortly......

Conspiracy Theories

2007-01-15T19:35:00.000Z

Yes, we all know that JFK was shot from the grassy knoll whilst driving pissed through a Paris underpass which was, in reality, a backlot at the Warner Bros Studios.

Or maybe I'm getting a bit mixed up.

Not that it matters, 'cos it's all a load of old bollocks and whether the theories are true or not, no-one is going to prove them right (or otherwise) and a sh*tload of mentalists are going to keep on getting their kicks from them as, regardless of what evidence is placed in front of them, it's just a cover up by the US Government, the Royal Family etc etc.

The latest one I've seen is that the WTC Twin Towers were actually blown up by the US Government/CIA/Men in Black. You couldn't make this sh*t up... (Check on YouTube if you don't believe me).

GET A LIFE - especially if you are a dodgy Egyptian cornershop owner who has got bugger all better to do with his time and money. And the Daily Express for continuing to print utter bollocks on an almost daily basis (not just about conspiracy theories either, come to think about it).

Freaky freaky freak freaks.

Oh yes, and apparently the Royal Family are all lizard-like alien beings....

Mondays Suck

2007-01-15T19:17:00.000Z

Mondays suck. Pure and simple.

On the 1 to 10 scale suck-o-meter of life, Mondays score a 12. At least.

And what can you do about it?? F*ck all, basically.

In the US, they would say that Mondays "blow". Suck/blow, it's all the same to me......

You might have guessed - I've had a sh*te day!!

Top Ten Thoughts for the Day

2007-01-14T15:02:00.000Z

Thanks to R Kev for these:

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without a stiffy, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain......

But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of Immigration.......

Internet Dating Sites

2007-01-14T12:25:00.000Z

Don't bloody work. Simple as that, believe me, I've tried.

You pay your cash, create your profile and wait for the offers to come flooding in. Sure enough, after a few weeks, both of them did.

Imagine the excitement at "first contact". Here we go, the six foot tall, bi-curious nymphomaniac with big norks who could cook restaurant quality Indian food.

It has to be said that the bar had perhaps been set a little too high on that one....

First response looked great on the photo, which is when I learned how good Photoshop can be. We arranged to meet, and imagine my surprise when I ended up seemingly with the daughter of Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. Absolute spitting bloody image. I bought dinner, she smoked all of my fags and we parted never to meet again. At least she never said "ah, go on" every time she asked if I fancied another drink.

For the second response, I decided to take more time before arranging to meet. Just as well cos she was a total bunny-boiling, attention seeking psycho bitch from hell. A couple of friendly phone calls to start off with, which soon developed into a campaign of telephone terrorism - one day, I was working down south and left my phone in the car whilst I went into London by train. Got back six hours later, checked phone and there were 38 messages. 36 of them from Durhams answer to Glenn Close demanding to know where the hell I'd been all day! Needless to say the mobile number got changed the next day...

One of my mates swears by AdultFriendFinder.com. But then again, his bar never gets raised higher than "warm and a pulse".

So, next time you see an ad on TV showing beautiful people idling hand in hand along a beach at sunset, just remember.......

Baseball Caps

2007-01-11T12:15:00.000Z

Wearing a baseball cap at a raffish angle perched on the back of your head at 45 degrees is neither big nor clever.

It just makes you look like a tw*t. Even more so if you wear your hoody over the top. Might as well wear a sign saying "I'm a thieving little scrote, where's my ASBO?". And un-tuck your tracksuit bottoms from your socks, knobhead.

I realise that anyone from outside the urban conurbations of the UK are probably thinking "what the chuffing heck is he rambling on about now?", but suffice to say that there has been a downstep in the UK's gene pool to the point that you have to think evolution has started to go in reverse.

Darwin must be spinning in his grave...

Autobiographies / Biographies

2007-01-10T21:35:00.000Z

Thanks to Cliffy PP for saving me the effort of doing this one myself!!:

There are lots of things / people / issues etc that boil my piss, however, the ever increasing mountain of autobiographies and biographies to be found in any book shop now, is nothing short of criminal!

Whilst in my local shopping precint just before Christmas, wasting 10 mins while stuffing a traditional Cornish pasty down my throat before going back to work, I decided to have a look in WH Smith at the books. Now, I am not a big book reader really, but do enjoy reading about people, real people that is, not fictional people.

Some of my past reads have been.... Dickie Bird (cricket umpire), John McEnroe, George Best, Ian Botham, Barry Sheene, Joey Dunlop (Legendary Motorcycle TT racer), Morcambe and Wise and Alex The Hurricane Higgins. I am sure most normal readers would agree that these people are have acheived a tad more than us mere mortals have in our life and are certainly worthy of a book and a bit of credit for what they have done. They all have something to say and for most of them, could have produced another book to follow on.

So imagine my horror when I visited the said shop to find books named things like "My Life" etc by.......wait for it, Shayne Ward!!!!!!!! Yes, that tosser from "X Factor" or what ever, who has literally just came to light, Rio "tw*t-faced, love myself, silly haircut, winging arsehole" Ferdinand!!!, Ant and Frigging Dec, and for God's sake, Scary Spice!!!!!! and the list goes on and on.

Quite unbelievable, who in Gods name would want to read about these jumped up over paid sh*ts?? How anyone could actually manage to write a book about these dorks without using extremely large print and putting in lots of pictures, frankly they deserve a medal........Still finished my pasty mind!!

Miserable tw*t Cliffy PP

"Greatest Hits" Albums

2007-01-08T21:24:00.000Z

Greatest Hits albums are all well and good, if you are an artist or band that have been around a while and produced a multitude of records, and are a great introduction to someone looking to get "into" a particular musical genre (how fecking pretentious does that sound?!).

This does not, however, apply to Girls Aloud. Let's look at the facts (taken from Amazon):

Girls Aloud - Number of albums released before the Greatest Hits CD - 3

That's three CD's of over-produced, over-hyped, under-talented bollocks.

Money grabbing, exploitative b*stards.

Come to think of it, no-one should be allowed to call themselves a band and release any albums at all if they can't play any fecking instruments. Or actually sing live.

Many thanks to the thousands of people who watched whichever "X-Pop-Factor-Idol" drivel spawned the abomination against music that is Girls Aloud. But at least you gave five (I think) underprivileged slappers from the provinces the opportunity to get p*issed up a lot, get community service and sleep with footballers.

Because the world was lacking in that part of the entertainment arena.

Pete Doherty

2007-01-07T11:58:00.000Z

You've got to wonder how this talentless little smack-head is still allowed to wander the streets..

Every other week he gets nicked again for possession etc etc but still seems to get away with what amounts to a smack on the wrist (pun intended) and even worse, still produces what can very loosely be described as "music".

Let's face it, Pete - it's not big and it's not clever. Keef, Axl, Ozzy, The Toxic Twins and all of Motley Crue did it bigger and better years ago. You're not in the same league in terms of hell raising or musical ability, so why don't you feck off with your anorexic and equally pointless girlfriend into the obscurity in which you belong, and let the world's press get on with covering more important topics. Like Paris and Britney getting p*ssed up again.

Estate Agents

2007-01-04T20:50:00.000Z

SBN writes:

"Estate Agents - what a money grabbing bunch of sh*tes they are!!!

I had the misfortune of dealing with the work shy fops when I bought my first flat in October of last year. Once I put my offer in, paid through the nose for a mortgage through them and got fleeced by the solicitors, they recommended I never heard from them again until I picked the keys up - no calls to see how much things were being f'd up by the mortgage company and the solicitors - no calls cos there was no further money in it for them, they'd had their wedge out of me!!!

And just when I thought the cheeky b*stards couldn't stoop any lower they popped a letter through my letterbox yesterday saying that they had buyers lined up who were desperate to buy in my area and did I want to sell my flat through them!??!!?

Utterly unbelievable - they haven't had anything out of me for the last three months so they want me to sell my pad and pay them lots of commission, it beggars belief!!! I noticed the sh*tehawks didn't pick up their bliddy "For Sale" sign from when I bought the place in October. On second thoughts, might as well leave their signs where they are just in case you want to sell several months later!!!"

More Reality TV Tat

2007-01-02T12:14:00.000Z

Good old ITV. Take a successful BBC show, steal the format with only the most minor of changes and then broadcast it primetime.

This time, it's the second series of "Dancing on Ice" aka "Strictly Come Dancing On Ice". ITV have today revealed the "stars" of this brain numbing twaddle - and they have plunged straight to the Z-list:

1) Lisa Scott-Lee. The most fame hungry media whore this side of the Atlantic. After numerous failed "comebacks" the talentless bint just keeps on inflicting herself on the masses. Wales' answer to Paris Hilton. Without the money or talent.

2) Ulkrika Jonsson. So desperate she married a reality "star".

3) Kyran Bracken. Famous for not being Matt Dawson and not winning the Rugby World Cup.

4) Lee Sharpe. Actually an improvement on Celebrity Love Island. Considerably less famous and successful than Peter Schmeichel.

5) Clare Buckfield. "Actress" from 2 Point 4 Children. Wasn't that about ten years ago?

6) Phil Gayle. "Newsreader". At least he was many years ago on The Big Breakfast.

7) Kay Burley. Sky News presenter and presumably the token older woman. And not as foxy as Carol Smillie.

8) Duncan James. Ex-member of Blue, probably reeling from the fact that no-one in their right mind was interested in their comeback. Because it was crappier than the first time around, and that's saying something.

9) Stephen Gately. Famous for not being Ronan Keating.

10) Neil "Doctor" Fox. Way past sell-by date DJ.

11) Emily Symons. "Actress" from the tale of everyday farming folk in Emmerdale. Except that she's Australian. An appearance on this rubbish surely indicates she's soon to be written out.

Listen carefully and you can hear the bottom of a barrel being scraped. Until Celebrity Big Brother starts, that is.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T00:00:00.000Z

Bollocks to it.

Why celebrate the end of one crappy year, just to start another one?

If there is something in your life that's shit on December 31st, it sure as hell is still going to be shit on January 1st. Compounded by the massive fecking hangover.

Looking at the news, it looks like New Year has been cancelled in this country because of bad weather. That's countless millions of our money pissed up a wall on fireworks, PA systems and dodgy "performance artists" - bet that little lot wasn't privately financed.

So, what's it all about? It's amateur night, when all the once a year drinkers turn New Years Eve into an alcohol soaked freak show.

You've got to feel sorry for the emergency services who have to a) work whilst everyone else is out "enjoying themselves" and b) who have far more important things to do than nick/stitch back together legions of pissed up idiots.

At least we get a day off work.

"London" Luton Airport

2006-12-31T15:16:00.000Z

During a recent elongated bout of channel-hopping through the mire of designed-for-the-mentally-impaired channels that make up British TV the other day, I happened across "Airport" being repeated on ITV7+1 (or something).

For those fortunate enough to have not seen this, it's yet another cheap filler of a programme designed to fill out ITV's schedules between the latest offerings of Z-list celebrity reality shows and Coronation Street. Basically, it's a tour around Britain's provincial airports (cue Tony Robinson explaining that "later, we will go to Barnsley's Michael Parkinson Airport to see how Tanya at check-ins wedding preparations are getting on....) giving a fly on the wall view of EasyJet employees laughing their tits off at the cretins who still foolishly turn up for their hols expecting their plane to a) be there, b) be working, c) depart on time and d) not be triple booked; and then get highly pissed off when any combination of these factors fail to materialise.

Fair enough, a proportion of these idiots are foreign, so it is difficult not to enjoy their collective misery.

One stop off on this tour of locations that EasyJet try their best to avoid flying from or to was London Luton Airport.

Now, let's get one thing straight. Luton is nowhere fecking near London. To be precise, it's 35 miles away from London. Calling Luton Airport "London Luton Airport" is about as geographically precise as "Newcastle Edinburgh Airport".

Talk about taking a fecking liberty and trying to "big up" the image of a shitty town in the middle of nowhere that has absolutely bugger all going for it.

Think Sunderland without the glamour, charm and charisma.

I can understand (to a degree) Luton Airport wanting to shake off the image created by Lorraine Chase, but for Christ's sake that was thirty years ago!

You can just imagine the poor foreign sods expecting to fly into a London Airport and get off the plane to be met with a majestic view of St Paul's Cathedral, Tower Bridge and the Houses of Parliament. How disappointed are they going to be.....

Who's in Charge??

2006-12-28T12:34:00.000Z

So, no sooner has "Two Shags" Prescott got out of his Christmas stay in hospital, than Teflon Tony gets on a British Blairways flight with his clan and sods off to Miami on his jollies.

Who the bloody hell is running the country?? Upon reflection, whoever it is can't be doing a worse job. War going badly in Iraq/Afghanistan, Health Service buggered and an education system that is quite merrily turning out Burberry clad scrotes by the truckload - obviously a good time to put your feet up in the sunshine....

And are the "First Family" staying in the local Miami Travel Lodge? Are they hell. Of course, they are paying for the luxury of staying in the £5m pad of an ageing Bee Gee who, coincidentally, appeared at rallies supporting TB in 2005 and who was described by the PM as one of his heroes. Just like they paid to stay with a football club owning dodgy Italian PM in Tuscany.

Arise, Sir Robin????

"Lenz a tab, mistaah"

2006-12-27T20:06:00.000Z

For those of you unfamiliar with the North East, the rough translation would be "Kind Sir, please could you avail me of one of your fine cigarettes".

This is the cry of the greater-spotted chavettes, heard most frequently around newsagents, bus stops and Metro stations across Newcastle. Uttered in a bastardised nasal-whine version of the Geordie dialect, this is more of an order than a polite request and generally comes from the mouth of some unwashed tracksuit-wearing little oik. That would be "little" in terms of height only, because in terms of circumference, as my mate Nev would say, "you couldn't bend wire that shape".

Sorry pet, but you ain't going to get one. Because you are about twelve. It doesn't matter how much make-up you slap on or how much "gold" jewellery you've got on (nicked from Elizabeth Duke at Argos), you still look twelve.

Now be a good little girl and run along to your friends - yes, that' s them at the bus stop drinking alcopops and eating chips. Then you can plan how many kids you are going to have before you leave school (at fourteen), how much benefit that will earn you and what incredibly stupid names you're going to give them.

It's almost worth giving up smoking just to avoid them approaching you.

Almost.

VICKI POLLARD IS NOT A ROLE MODEL

Jehovah's Witnesses

2006-12-27T12:19:00.000Z

Now before anyone kicks off, this isn't about anyone's beliefs or religion - I personally couldn't give a monkey's whether people believe in God, Buddha, Allah or little green men from Mars.

What is completely nuts is that Jehovah's Witnesses did a tour of local front doors...... on Christmas Eve!!

Surely to God/Buddah/Allah/little green men from Mars, somebody should have realised that people might have had one or two more pressing things to do on this particular day (wrapping little Johnny's presents, praying the Turkey will defrost in time, running around town like a headless chicken as they realise that they've forgotten to get 'er indoors the perfume she wanted which is now sold out in every shop in Britain...) than to have a full and frank discussion on their doorstep about their forthcoming damnation to hell and how to prevent it.

Bloody Hell, even double glazing salesmen give it a rest on Christmas Eve.......

Digital TV Charge for Council Tenants

2006-12-24T18:57:00.000Z

Our first contributor!!!

"Gezza" (name changed to protect the innocent etc etc) writes:

"Have you seen this!!! Poor council house tenants having to pay for digital TV, we have to so why the f*ck shouldn't they. Bloody namby pamby state, we would be paying twice for the digital change. BTW, Merry Christmas"

The article in full (obviously 100% true as it's in the Sunday Mirror!):

"THOUSANDS of council tenants will have to pay up to £100 a year extra to get new digital TV services.
Town hall chiefs - who plan to stop people fitting dozens of "unsightly" satellite dishes in blocks of flats - say they will be forced to levy an extra charge for new communal aerials because Whitehall won't pay for them.
The revelation comes ahead of the planned "digital switchover" which will start in late 2007. The changeover will mean that anyone with an old analogue TV will not be able to receive a signal unless they buy a digital TV or a set-top box.
Documents obtained by the Sunday Mirror, show they plan to slap an extra charge on tenants to cover the cost of installing the new digital systems. The move will infuriate tens of thousands of tenants who will have to pay to watch even the "free-to-air" channels on their communal systems.
London's Camden Council has warned its 22,000 tenants that they will face a £1 weekly fee from next year which will rise annually in line with inflation. Other councils may levy a charge of up to £2 a week to fit the new systems - making an annual fee of around £100 per year.
One Camden tenant said: "It's an outrage. Why should we pay extra? All I want is the basic channels which are free now."
Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell said £600 million of Government cash would help Britain's poorest pensioners switch to digital TV. The money would help the over-75s, the blind and the disabled.
But MPs fear many of Britain's poorest homes may struggle to afford to buy the equipment needed to watch digital TV."

Poor buggers. Whilst there are undoubtedly those that are less fortunate, I bet if the councils concerned actually bothered their arses to have a wander around the relevant areas I'm sure they'd be amazed at how £100 a year is a stretch when they consider how much the repayments on the brand new cars, 42 inch plasma tellies and National Grid emptying Christmas lights cost.

Kid's Names

2006-12-23T15:40:00.000Z

Gone are the days when giving your kids ridiculous names was solely the preserve of royalty and stars of music and film (a la Eugenie, Peaches, Fifi Trixabelle, Satchel, Dweezil etc etc).

Nowadays, for which the Beckhams must take at least some of the credit, the common men and women of this great country have taken to naming their offspring in increasingly bizarre and badly spelled ways.

To give you some recent examples, many of which have been taken from the "Announcements" section of my local rag (and all are genuine!):

Chardonnay
Mercedes
Kai
Kaj
Kenzie
Nyle
Demi-Leigh (does that mean she's only half a normal Leigh?)
Shardae
Helayna

And the best one of all for doing a Beckham and naming your kid after the place of conception - Clio!!!!!

I'm not sure which is worse, the names that are just plain stupid, or the ones that have had the spelling changed, just to be different.

For the love of God, do people not realise that their little ones either face a constant barrage of piss-taking for the next 18 years of their lives (at least) or have been perfectly set up to become one of the Burberry/baseball cap/chunky gold jewellery wearing little darlings that we all love to see hanging around on street corners after dark drinking Lambrini??

You just know the gene pool is screwed up....

100 Hits and Rising!!

2006-12-23T15:10:00.000Z

Fantastic - first one hundred hits to the blog!

Hope you have been enjoying the rants! Remember, you can rant too - just email using the link on the right hand side.

Arjen Taking The Piss???

2006-12-21T23:04:00.000Z

Fact - Premiership footballers are a bunch of overpaid egotistical ponces who have sod all better to do than drive round in Bentley Continental GT's and date slappers and third rate pop "stars".

Add in the phrase "cheating bastard" and you have..... Arjen Robben.

A man who seems to either feel gravity 10 times more than the rest of the human race or is a walking target for every sniper in the world. What's even worse is that he plays in a team which, thanks to the untold riches (however they may have been attained. Allegedly.) of their owner, contains some of the best players in the world and really don't need to cheat to get any sort of an unnatural advantage against the opposition.

Below is a classic example of Robben at his very "best":

Oh well, at least he's not French. Tosser.

Pictures to Boil Your Piss - Number 1

2006-12-18T19:00:00.000Z

Enough said.

Booze Plus Cameras Equals??

2006-12-18T16:26:00.000Z

Why is it that (allegedly) upstanding, sensible and otherwise "normal" human beings, once they have had a couple of beers, seem to take great pleasure in making themselves look like complete tools any time a camera is waived in their general direction?

I present the evidence m'lud...

I rest my case.......

If anyone has any further contributions, feel free to email them to me at havearant@boilsmypiss.co.uk

PS - If any of those featured in these photos are offended or if they are breaking any copyright, please let me know and I will remove them whenever able. If you ask nicely...

Bah-bloody-Humbug...! (Part 2)

2006-12-18T15:45:00.000Z

Well, I finally did it. Summoned up enough strength and good humour to brave the rigours of.... Christmas shopping.

The good humour didn't last long, but I guess you had already predicted that.

Why, oh why, oh bloody why is it that people who have never seen each other for donkey's years always manage to bump into each other in the middle of the narrowest sodding aisle in Marks and Sparks/Fenwick/Bainbridges etc, and then have to catch up on the last 25 years of chat and gossip ("little Mercedes is at junior school now/having her third kid"... "Did you hear about our Wayne"... "I see Elsie's passed on" etc etc etc. By the time they've caught up to 1985 the entire shop has come to a standstill around them and at least one fellow customer (ie Me) can feel blood pressure rising to hitherto unheard of levels.

I can see why people think Argos is a good idea - the "laminated book of dreams" always seems a practical and stress free alternative to having to fight your way through countless shops, all of which are "temporarily out of stock" of all the damned things you are looking for. A good idea, that is, until you actually get there and see the hordes of track suited chavs desperate to get their hands on the latest Jordan jewellery for "our Leeanne" whilst picking up a couple of new sovereign rings for themselves.

Next year the whole lot's getting done on Amazon.

PS - If you're struggling for a last minute pressie, why not try the new "Boils My Piss" shop! Just click on the ads at the side and bottom of the page to be transported into a veritable retail wonderland. And make me some cash at the same time......

Get Your Revenge Here!

2006-12-18T15:19:00.000Z

On my neverending travels through the world of t'internet I've stumbled across a couple of great little sites for getting your revenge on those things that, quite frankly, get on your tits!

First up is "Shoot It" - follow the instructions, load up a picture of something that irks you, then simply blast it to buggery and back!! Only downsides are that the size of the picture you can upload is pretty small (100kb) and you don't get gushing blood when you shoot someone in the head. Ah well, nothing's perfect...

Second is "Knife Throw 2" - great fun - you get to throw knives at a whole bunch of irritating-as-hell politicians and so-called celebs (Blair, Bush, Britney and Paris plus others!!) - most fun is "Practice" mode with more knives to chuck!! I think you're meant to miss, but it's more fun not to..!!

Information Technology

2006-12-09T09:30:00.000Z

Why is it that computer systems only ever break down when IT support is either:

a) Unavailable
or
b) Costs more because it's a bloody weekend/holiday?

And yes, I have tried turning it off and turning it back on again......

"Great" North Eastern Railway

2006-12-08T12:51:00.000Z

I recently had the severe misfortune of having to make a trip to London. I say misfortune for three reasons:

1) It's London - my least favourite city on the planet. Expensive, dirty and full of bar staff/waiters/shop assistants etc who seem to have what could most generously be described as a deficiency in manners and a limited grasp of the English language.

2) It was for an insurance awards ceremony - yes, that is as dull as it sounds. Loads of bow tied managers and their secretaries getting pissed up, making tits of themselves and engaging in a back slapping love-in of biblical proportions.

3) I travelled by train.

Now it is the third point that I wish to cover today (although I'm sure that the other two will appear on the blog in the not too distant future!).
For those of you who may not know, "Great" North Eastern Railway (GNER) are the company tasked with transporting those of the populace daft enough to do so between Edinburgh and London.
GNER are quite a big company, with employees numbering in the hundreds, if not thousands.
It is not unreasonable, therefore, to assume that within this multitude of staff at least one of them would know how many seats there are on their bloody trains!!

Let me expand on this for you.....
On the return journey from London (a Friday afternoon, therefore a lot of people are looking to get out of the hell hole that is our capital and return to somewhere approaching civilisation) I had a "reserved" seat. This, you may think, would mean that there was a seat somewhere on the train with my name on it. Being relatively experienced in the art of train travel, I was fortunate to get on the train before the ensuing chaos set in.
I plonked my rear end in the designated seat, prepared to enjoy a peaceful three hour journey back home. Within five minutes, a young woman came up and barked at me that I was in her seat. I dutifully showed her my ticket, showing that my not inconsiderable arse was, in fact, in the correct location. Being the well brought up gentleman that I am, I promptly sat back down with a look of "sorry, not my fault, you should have got here earlier".
Another couple of minutes passed and then the same thing happened again with a different person. At this point I noticed that the same thing was happening up and down the carriage and the train was absolutely packed (aisles and corridors included) by the time that the train pulled out.
Whoopee - three hours on an overcrowded train full of half pissed Scots in a bad mood and whingeing for St Andrew.

Now I appreciate that GNER might want to sell unreserved tickets to people who want to take a chance on getting a seat and are prepared to stand for hours on end if they can't, but this was quite frankly taking the piss.

Especially when you consider that, for a lot less than most cattle class rail tickets, you can fly just about anywhere in Europe by EasyJet or Ryanair (although you do run the risk of the plane not turning up or not working, or the destination airport being a four hour bus ride from the city to which you thought you were travelling).

So, the upshot was that I put on my Walkman, ignored every human on the train and steadfastly refused to give up my seat (even for the sake of a trip to the bog in case I lost my seat to one of the aforementioned inebriated jocks).

This is the age of the train. Is it bollocks...............

Bah-bloody-Humbug...!

2006-12-07T20:31:00.000Z

Tis the season to be jolly - MY ARSE!

Once upon a time, I'm sure that Christmas was something to do with the back end of December - now it seems that Christmas starts in August and goes through to February. At least that's what the shops would have you think. No sooner has Her Maj finished the annual diatribe to the proletariat then it's endless bloody adverts for sales ("Starts 6am Boxing Day") and poxy summer holidays!

What Christmas actually means these days:

You can't get served in your local boozer for all the people who only ever seem to leave the house of an evening once a bloody year and then think they have the divine right to command the full attention of every one of the poor unfortunates working behind the bar.
Morons who get mass media attention by draining the National Grid of every last drop of electricity by covering their streets with enough lights to confuse the hell out of any passing British Airways pilot.
Hearing sodding Slade/Wizzard songs blaring out of every shop in Christendom twenty four hours a day.
Traffic jams absolutely bloody everywhere as the nation decides, as one, to go Christmas shopping to the same shops at the same time whilst being compelled to take of all their screaming children with them.
Yet another repeated "Only Fools and Horses" Christmas Special. Whoopee.

Welcome to my world........................................