One man's rant against the 21st Century....: chavs

Saturday, 23 December 2006

Kid's Names

Gone are the days when giving your kids ridiculous names was solely the preserve of royalty and stars of music and film (a la Eugenie, Peaches, Fifi Trixabelle, Satchel, Dweezil etc etc).

Nowadays, for which the Beckhams must take at least some of the credit, the common men and women of this great country have taken to naming their offspring in increasingly bizarre and badly spelled ways.

To give you some recent examples, many of which have been taken from the "Announcements" section of my local rag (and all are genuine!):

Chardonnay
Mercedes
Kai
Kaj
Kenzie
Nyle
Demi-Leigh (does that mean she's only half a normal Leigh?)
Shardae
Helayna

And the best one of all for doing a Beckham and naming your kid after the place of conception - Clio!!!!!

I'm not sure which is worse, the names that are just plain stupid, or the ones that have had the spelling changed, just to be different.

For the love of God, do people not realise that their little ones either face a constant barrage of piss-taking for the next 18 years of their lives (at least) or have been perfectly set up to become one of the Burberry/baseball cap/chunky gold jewellery wearing little darlings that we all love to see hanging around on street corners after dark drinking Lambrini??

You just know the gene pool is screwed up....

Monday, 18 December 2006

Bah-bloody-Humbug...! (Part 2)

Well, I finally did it. Summoned up enough strength and good humour to brave the rigours of.... Christmas shopping.

The good humour didn't last long, but I guess you had already predicted that.

Why, oh why, oh bloody why is it that people who have never seen each other for donkey's years always manage to bump into each other in the middle of the narrowest sodding aisle in Marks and Sparks/Fenwick/Bainbridges etc, and then have to catch up on the last 25 years of chat and gossip ("little Mercedes is at junior school now/having her third kid"... "Did you hear about our Wayne"... "I see Elsie's passed on" etc etc etc. By the time they've caught up to 1985 the entire shop has come to a standstill around them and at least one fellow customer (ie Me) can feel blood pressure rising to hitherto unheard of levels.

I can see why people think Argos is a good idea - the "laminated book of dreams" always seems a practical and stress free alternative to having to fight your way through countless shops, all of which are "temporarily out of stock" of all the damned things you are looking for. A good idea, that is, until you actually get there and see the hordes of track suited chavs desperate to get their hands on the latest Jordan jewellery for "our Leeanne" whilst picking up a couple of new sovereign rings for themselves.

Next year the whole lot's getting done on Amazon.

PS - If you're struggling for a last minute pressie, why not try the new "Boils My Piss" shop! Just click on the ads at the side and bottom of the page to be transported into a veritable retail wonderland. And make me some cash at the same time......