Friday, 26 August 2011

I'm baaaaaaaaack!!

Bollocks to it - been away toooo long and got a whole new load of rants up my sleeve.

Keep watching amigos...

Thursday, 22 February 2007

Meatloaf

I absolutely loathe Meatloaf.

Not the foodstuff - I'm particularly partial to that as it happens, but the frilly shirted fat lad from Dallas.

Now it's nothing personal against the beefy hanky-waving, over-dramatic balladeer and provider of third rate over produced soft-rock twaddle. It's just that his music sucks big time.

The reason for this? Simple - Bat Out of Hell. A song that sends an almost terminal shiver of loathing down my spine every time I hear it. Let me explain why..

In the late 80's and early 90's I worked in my local pub, which had, as is customary in hostelries the length and breadth of the land, a jukebox.

Now if nobody put any money in this machine, it would "randomly" select tracks to play whilst waiting to relieve punters of their hard earned cash. Invariably this jukebox always chose a Meatloaf track to play and 90% of the time it would be Bat Out of Hell. This may seem like a cunning plan in many ways, as hearing a song that is so long and tedious that you could easily build, decorate and furnish a house during it's length would surely encourage people to pay to hear something less sh*te.

Believe me, if you are in a virtually empty pub for eight hours, repeated playing of this over-pomped bollocks is enough to either turn you into a fully-fledged dribbling mentalist, or cost you a small fortune in playing better songs.

What compounded this further, and thus turned a minor dislike into full hatred, was the fact that when the pub got busy and people put money into the jukebox, guess what was the most popular selection?

You got it - bloody Meatloaf.

Friday, 16 February 2007

Save the Reds!

It would appear that Teflon Tony and his feckwit cronies are holding a "Defence Review" (Christ help us all) and one of the subjects under discussion is future funding for the Red Arrows. For any unintiated amongst you, the "Reds" are the RAF's display team and are widely regarded as one of the best (and in my view, THE best) display tems in the world.

For the love of all that is holy, don't allow the idiots that allegedly run this country (into the ground) do anything stupid about one of the great insitutions in Britain.

SIGN HERE TODAY -

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/SaveTheReds/

It would be a travesty and a national disgrace if any funding was withheld.

YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!

If you're not British, any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

PLEASE, PLEASE forward this to everyone you have ever met and also click on the "Digg This Story" button below to get even more people to see this.




Tuesday, 13 February 2007

Shopping Trollies

What is it that makes people, or F*** Wits rather, after they have finished loading their car up with shopping from one of our supermarkets, despite being in some cases a matter of yards from a trolley park, leave their f***ing trolley in the middle of the car park!!!

I have frequently on windy days seen these
trolleys rolling down the car park and come to rest against the paintwork of someones pride and joy!!! I find it incredible that people can be so f***ing lazy!! And why oh why don't all supermarkets adopt the £1 rule, like Asda do with their smaller trolley (why not the bigger ones?) whereby you have to return it to a suitable trolley park to get your quid back?

Truly f***ing amazing!!!

Regards, a law abiding supermarket trolley user!!

CliffyPP



Saturday, 27 January 2007

Now It's Your Turn!

I don't believe that I'm the only person in the world who suffers from gets-annoyed-at-the-slightest-thing syndrome. Surely there are others like me out there in interwebland who are crying out for a forum in which to vent their spleens about whatever it is (however trivial) that really "Boils Their Piss".

Now is the time to stand up and be counted....

To all of you, a simple message: this blog is here to help! All you have to do is rant away to your heart's content by clicking the following email and submit your gripes:

havearant@boilsmypiss.co.uk

The subject doesn't matter, and if your tongue is firmly in your cheek, even better!

This means "you" - all the people who have said they had something to say, now's the time to say it! (You know who you are...)

The best submissions (or possible all of them) will be posted over the coming days/weeks, so GET RANTING!!

Grrrr



Thursday, 25 January 2007

Death to Internet Explorer!

Do yourselves a favour (and I may be preaching to the converted here) and stop using Internet Explorer.

It's rubbish - especially IE7 - and there is a far better option in Firefox. Firefox is a free (yes, I really did say "free") web browser with better functionality and user options than IE will ever have.

Get Firefox

If you use Blogger like me, Firefox has some really cool features like:

Greasemonkey Extension - Allows you to "add in" features/userscripts to your blog like:

Technorati Tag Creator - see here for a good article

Del.icio.us Integration - see here for more tips

Even if you're not a blogger, give it a try. Trust me, it's the future..........

PLUS - Unlike IE, you can keep upgrading even if you have a hooky version of Windows XP. Or so I've been told if you're reading this Bill...

PS - My IT people advise NOT to uninstall Internet Explorer as it might well bugger up everything else Microsoft on your PC - God Bless Uncle Bill...




Wednesday, 24 January 2007

The Cleverest Thing in the World?

The Nevmeister returns..

What is the cleverest thing in the world?

Go on have a guess.....

Give in? Well I'm going to tell you.

Everybody thinks computers are clever, everybody thinks robots are clever, everybody thinks going to the moon is clever, everybody thinks clever people are clever, but, and here's the thing...

No buttons to press, no dials to turn, no levers to slide, You don't even have to plug it in or use batteries. Nothing is as clever as a thermos flask. Just think about it for a moment. You put hot stuff in and it stays hot. You put cold stuff in and it stays cold. HOW DOES IT KNOW ???????????? Now that's clever.



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Tuesday, 23 January 2007

Pizza Cheese

Went out for a meal last night to "Sonny's" in Tynemouth (Front St if you are interested) and had a really good quality Italian meal.

Being a bit of a culinary pleb at times, I chose to have a pizza - and very good it was too. Can't remember what it was called, but if you are ever there, it's the one with the meatballs on.

What spurred me on to the blog was the fact that the pizza had the proper cheese on it - Mozzarella.

To Mr Marks and Mr Spencer and many other vendors of ready made foodstuffs worldwide, a message:

Don't put bloody cheddar on your pizzas.

Or any other kind of cheese that's not meant to be there, but especially not cheddar. It does my sodding head in to find a pizza that has been completely bollocksed by having cheddar on it - it's about as authentic as buying a Ferrari and finding it has a Rover engine in it.

It's against the natural order of the culinary world - can you imagine getting cheddar on anything at all in an Italian restaurant? Start p*ssing around with the way things are meant to be, and the next thing you know the world has descended into utter chaos.

There are certain rules in life that must be followed. As Al Murray would put it - If we didn't have rules, where would we be?????

.....FRANCE.

Saturday, 20 January 2007

Jade Goody

You really do have to ask "What the f*ck has the world come to?" after the events of the last week, events which seem to have totally dominated the media (bunch of w*nkers that they are) on an almost global basis.

It's coming to something when an international diplomatic incident is caused by the comments of someone who has the intellectual dexterity of a toilet brush. Now I'm not condoning racism in any shape or form, but don't you think that this has been taken just a little too far??

For f*ck's sake, it's Jade Goody and "Celebrity" (used in the loosest possible sense) Big Brother. No one in their right mind should be watching this sh*t, let alone allowing it to escalate to the point where all semblance of reality and normality in the world is blown to buggery and back by a populations obsession with idiots, morons and f*ckwits of the first degree.

Call me a cynic, but let's have a look at who profits from all of this:

a) Channel 4 and Endemol, the programme's makers. As the old adage goes, "any publicity is good publicity". they've had their names plastered all over the press and TV and massively "enhanced" their reputations for producing "cutting edge" and "near the knuckle" telly. Which is really just a load of absolute drivel for the cerebrally challenged.

b) Politicians - those who actually brought this up in the House of Commons, ostensibly as an important discussion about racism and the state of the nation etc etc. Face it, they're all a bunch of media whores who only want to get their latest soundbite onto the news in an increasingly vain attempt to justify their existences to the idiots that voted for them, and to give the impression that they give a sh*t in a "we're all caring, sharing, wonderful people" kind of a way.

c) Carphone Warehouse - not only did they save a bucketload of cash by withdrawing their sponsorship deal, but (surprise, surprise) also got a bucketload of press coverage (ie free advertising) by doing so.

Alternatively, let's look at who gets royally shat on out of all this:

a) Jade Goody. Again, I am in now way defending her comments, whether racially motivated or not. You have to feel sorry for the poor cow - she has made a stack of dosh on the back of being stupid in a "you know she'll end up as part of the Darwin Awards" sort of way - money that has been thrust upon her in spades by the manipulative bastards that belong in the gutters of the media and business worlds. Two worlds that are now conspiring to roger her royally by pulling out the red carpet that they have placed under her for so long.

Am I the only one that feels that she's been set up for a fall, the way that all supposed media darlings and "sporting heroes" are, sooner or later?? Executives must be w*nking themselves off with glee as they wring out their final pennies from JG.

What's even more annoying is that I don't even f*cking like Jade Goody! She absolutely epitomises everything that is f*cked up in society today, and the seemingly total control that the media has taken over thinking and behaviour of Britain. A control that stemmed from, and grew after, the canonisation by the press of Diana, which resulted in a mass hysteria and media induced hypnotic "outpouring of grief" over the death of a woman who, when seen in the cold light of day, could easily be described as a media manipulating serial adulteress with pretty severe psychological problems.

Speaking of the press, the Daily Mail came up with this as a front page this week:

If the story was that unimportant whilst far more concerning events were taking place, what the f*ck did you give it your entire front page for, you complete f*ckmuppets?...

We're all doomed. Now I'm just going to sit back and see how many people I've just pissed off with that little lot.....



Thursday, 18 January 2007

The Nevmeister Cometh....

Hello,

Here's the thing. If something is dismantled why is it not mantled or remantled when put back together. Why is it reassembled?

If someone has an accident, lets say with a lawn mower, and cuts off all their fingers, how do they pick them up?

If I drive at 70mph with my lights on is the light travelling at the speed of light + 70mph?

If all brides are beautiful, where do ugly wives come from?

Goodbye.



Wednesday, 17 January 2007

Try This..

Go to Google and type in "Failure" (including the speech marks) and click on "I'm Feeling Lucky".

Go on, I dare you...........

Someone, somewhere has a sense of humour.



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Cling Film

It's the devils work, I tell you.

The serrated edge on the box isn't a cutter, its a wavy piece of cardboard that is neither use nor ornament. For tearing off a piece of film no, for being a pain in the arse, yes.

Add to that the fact that the bloody cardboard box it's in is about as rigid as a limp lettuce leaf.

I think I must generate superhero levels of static electricity, as the only thing the sodding stuff clings to is me!

No matter how hard you try it is physically impossible to use the stuff and effectively wrap whatever consumable that you need to keep nice and fresh. All you end up with us an unusable sticky mass of plastic.

Or a clingfilm wrapped hand.

You wouldn't believe what you can find on Google by googling "Clingfilm":

Warning over clingfilm 'condoms' (nice to see the education system working...)

Ulli's Roy Orbison In Clingfilm Website (I kid you not!)

How Can I Recycle Clingfilm? (The mind boggles...)

You can only imagine the stuff that I couldn't show on the blog!!


Tuesday, 16 January 2007

Pete Doherty - the Response

Please forgive me for a momentary bout of seriousness...

This post is for "Anonymous" who kindly commented on my previous post on Doherty which can be found here.

I could have chosen to simply add another comment, but I think this warrants a full post. To quote "anon":

"What the fuck have "keef" "axl" and the "toxic twins" got to do with anything?

Pete is a drug addict. Do you think he smokes crack so he can get some free press from the daily mirror or some other shit newspaper?

you honestly think that?

sad."

Sad?? I'll tell you what's sad - sad is living in a society where drug users fail to be treated as criminals (I think I'm correct that Class A drugs are still illegal??) and the namby pamby element believes that users should be cossetted and given a big hug because they are "victims".

Complete bullsh*t - let's remember that when first faced with drugs, Pete D had a choice to take them or not.

He chose to take them, and continues to take them. What is even worse is that he is a "celeb" and a potential role model for countless people. In a world where celebrity is king, and where the public are becoming even more impressionable by the media, this is an even more worrying situation.

Is his drug abuse a ploy to get media attention? Well, he's never shown any inclination to avoid the press to date. I suppose he thought that spraying a TV crew with blood from a syringe was a bit of a jolly jape then?? Or that being photographed sticking a hyperdermic into the arm of an unconscious girl was an absolute hoot??

At least Keef and co didn't have influence over a generation who had access to drugs from what seems to be every street corner at a price where young teenagers can afford to get regularly smacked out of their heads.

Many of the original school of drug taking rockers have been clean for years, and others have lived (or in many cases not) to regret their actions.

Maybe I am sad, maybe I don't actually give a rat's arse but I have my opinion and you have yours. Just don't try and make excuses for the actions of people who should know better or turn up on my blogstep with a half-arsed attempt at an argument.

Seriousness over.

Normal service will be resumed shortly......



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Monday, 15 January 2007

Conspiracy Theories

Yes, we all know that JFK was shot from the grassy knoll whilst driving pissed through a Paris underpass which was, in reality, a backlot at the Warner Bros Studios.

Or maybe I'm getting a bit mixed up.

Not that it matters, 'cos it's all a load of old bollocks and whether the theories are true or not, no-one is going to prove them right (or otherwise) and a sh*tload of mentalists are going to keep on getting their kicks from them as, regardless of what evidence is placed in front of them, it's just a cover up by the US Government, the Royal Family etc etc.

The latest one I've seen is that the WTC Twin Towers were actually blown up by the US Government/CIA/Men in Black. You couldn't make this sh*t up... (Check on YouTube if you don't believe me).

GET A LIFE - especially if you are a dodgy Egyptian cornershop owner who has got bugger all better to do with his time and money. And the Daily Express for continuing to print utter bollocks on an almost daily basis (not just about conspiracy theories either, come to think about it).

Freaky freaky freak freaks.

Oh yes, and apparently the Royal Family are all lizard-like alien beings....



Mondays Suck

Mondays suck. Pure and simple.

On the 1 to 10 scale suck-o-meter of life, Mondays score a 12. At least.

And what can you do about it?? F*ck all, basically.

In the US, they would say that Mondays "blow". Suck/blow, it's all the same to me......

You might have guessed - I've had a sh*te day!!



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Sunday, 14 January 2007

Top Ten Thoughts for the Day

Thanks to R Kev for these:

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one
without a stiffy, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you
feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain......

But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of Immigration.......


Internet Dating Sites

Don't bloody work. Simple as that, believe me, I've tried.

You pay your cash, create your profile and wait for the offers to come flooding in. Sure enough, after a few weeks, both of them did.

Imagine the excitement at "first contact". Here we go, the six foot tall, bi-curious nymphomaniac with big norks who could cook restaurant quality Indian food.

It has to be said that the bar had perhaps been set a little too high on that one....

First response looked great on the photo, which is when I learned how good Photoshop can be. We arranged to meet, and imagine my surprise when I ended up seemingly with the daughter of Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. Absolute spitting bloody image. I bought dinner, she smoked all of my fags and we parted never to meet again. At least she never said "ah, go on" every time she asked if I fancied another drink.


For the second response, I decided to take more time before arranging to meet. Just as well cos she was a total bunny-boiling, attention seeking psycho bitch from hell. A couple of friendly phone calls to start off with, which soon developed into a campaign of telephone terrorism - one day, I was working down south and left my phone in the car whilst I went into London by train. Got back six hours later, checked phone and there were 38 messages. 36 of them from Durhams answer to Glenn Close demanding to know where the hell I'd been all day! Needless to say the mobile number got changed the next day...

One of my mates swears by AdultFriendFinder.com. But then again, his bar never gets raised higher than "warm and a pulse".

So, next time you see an ad on TV showing beautiful people idling hand in hand along a beach at sunset, just remember.......



Thursday, 11 January 2007

Baseball Caps

Wearing a baseball cap at a raffish angle perched on the back of your head at 45 degrees is neither big nor clever.

It just makes you look like a tw*t. Even more so if you wear your hoody over the top. Might as well wear a sign saying "I'm a thieving little scrote, where's my ASBO?". And un-tuck your tracksuit bottoms from your socks, knobhead.

I realise that anyone from outside the urban conurbations of the UK are probably thinking "what the chuffing heck is he rambling on about now?", but suffice to say that there has been a downstep in the UK's gene pool to the point that you have to think evolution has started to go in reverse.

Darwin must be spinning in his grave...


Wednesday, 10 January 2007

Autobiographies / Biographies

Thanks to Cliffy PP for saving me the effort of doing this one myself!!:

There are lots of things / people / issues etc that boil my piss, however, the ever increasing mountain of autobiographies and biographies to be found in any book shop now, is nothing short of criminal!

Whilst in my local shopping precint just before Christmas, wasting 10 mins while stuffing a traditional Cornish pasty down my throat before going back to work, I decided to have a look in WH Smith at the books. Now, I am not a big book reader really, but do enjoy reading about people, real people that is, not fictional people.

Some of my past reads have been.... Dickie Bird (cricket umpire), John McEnroe, George Best, Ian Botham, Barry Sheene, Joey Dunlop (Legendary Motorcycle TT racer), Morcambe and Wise and Alex The Hurricane Higgins. I am sure most normal readers would agree that these people are have acheived a tad more than us mere mortals have in our life and are certainly worthy of a book and a bit of credit for what they have done. They all have something to say and for most of them, could have produced another book to follow on.

So imagine my horror when I visited the said shop to find books named things like "My Life" etc by.......wait for it, Shayne Ward!!!!!!!! Yes, that tosser from "X Factor" or what ever, who has literally just came to light, Rio "tw*t-faced, love myself, silly haircut, winging arsehole" Ferdinand!!!, Ant and Frigging Dec, and for God's sake, Scary Spice!!!!!! and the list goes on and on.

Quite unbelievable, who in Gods name would want to read about these jumped up over paid sh*ts?? How anyone could actually manage to write a book about these dorks without using extremely large print and putting in lots of pictures, frankly they deserve a medal........Still finished my pasty mind!!

Miserable tw*t Cliffy PP

Monday, 8 January 2007

"Greatest Hits" Albums

Greatest Hits albums are all well and good, if you are an artist or band that have been around a while and produced a multitude of records, and are a great introduction to someone looking to get "into" a particular musical genre (how fecking pretentious does that sound?!).

This does not, however, apply to Girls Aloud. Let's look at the facts (taken from Amazon):

Girls Aloud - Number of albums released before the Greatest Hits CD - 3

That's three CD's of over-produced, over-hyped, under-talented bollocks.

Money grabbing, exploitative b*stards.

Come to think of it, no-one should be allowed to call themselves a band and release any albums at all if they can't play any fecking instruments. Or actually sing live.

Many thanks to the thousands of people who watched whichever "X-Pop-Factor-Idol" drivel spawned the abomination against music that is Girls Aloud. But at least you gave five (I think) underprivileged slappers from the provinces the opportunity to get p*issed up a lot, get community service and sleep with footballers.

Because the world was lacking in that part of the entertainment arena.